wow

I feel very apathetic and empty.

I've been awake for a few days before, on amphetamines, and it was strange to me how my body was able to keep functioning. I was up for a full thirty hours, but didn't feel tired at all because of one substance. It was disgusting. It's just disgusting to look at your body, see the veins twitching, feel numbness in your fingertips, and realize that your body is just a pulsating bag of flesh and piss. It is horrible to me, to be fully aware of my heartbeat and my lungs and know that I am truly nothing but an animal. I'm a machine. My feelings, emotions, and dreams are all a result of substances within the machine.

Of course I know this, logically, at all times. I simply don't feel it as I do then. Sometimes I feel like there is more to my existence though. I feel spiritual. Hopeful. I feel as if there is something more to my existence. No matter how hard I look though, there is nothing.

I flex my hands during those times, and watch their bones move, pulled by my stringy muscles like the arms of a puppet. I both love and accept my body. I hate it because it's a reminder of how temporary and tenuous my grasp on existence is. I accept it because despite all it's been through, it is here and I am still here. Maintaining it does often feel like a burden though.

Other times, I've been disconnected from my body. By smoking salvia for example. That made me hopeful, because it made me feel as though there may be some way to exist outside of my body. Will death bring me there though? I don't know. I'm tortured by the thought that while I was lost in salvia space, pretending that I didn't need my body, I was still trapped inside of it. Sitting in the back seat of my car giggling and incoherent, under the delusion that I had escaped.

I desire total freedom. Nothing I can do while alive will every be anything more than a temporary distraction. My hobbies, career, and relationships are ultimately meaningless. That is obvious. They will never sate me. Nothing ever will. I can never experience enough pleasure to satisfy myself. I'll never accomplish enough to satisfy myself. If I'm the richest, most influential man who ever lives, I will not be satisfied.

Will I be happy? Yes. My body will always want though. Want food, drugs, and sex. Every waking moment of every day I am tortured by its unceasing demands. It always needs water, or more air. I can feel my organs at work. Feel the indescribable pangs of withdrawal when I do not take my medicine. I fear that my body is inexorably tied to my self. I am my body, but I don't want to be my body. I hate my body.

I hate everything I have and everything I want. I hate having emotions, good or bad. I hate the fact that there is no action I can take to change my state of existence. All that is was handed to me. I'm nothing but an object.

How are you ?

I feel very much like my gender has changed to female thank you

The critters in the bowl are now about 2mm long, I can clearly see that at least one is a fairy shrimp and the others are triops, they already look like miniature versions of the adults!

I'm going to try to clean out their bowl and do a small water change with water from the tank today.
Speaking of the tank, I got two moss balls and a snail. The moss balls actually seemed to make the tank water clear up a bunch and the snail is happy and active. I'll probably still need to do a 25% water change on the main tank soon since it has no filter and all.

I don't know whether to be proud of myself for being so responsible about taking care of my pets or sad that it's one of the only things in my life that I'm responsible about.

I am a walrus among sheep

According to USPS tracking my triops eggs are here but the network is down at my school and they won't give out packages unless an email has been sent to you GAY

If those assholes lost another one of my packages I'm probably going to burn the mail room down

The eggs just shipped today, but I decided to go ahead and set up

Edit:
I am keeping triops in here
They are not amphibious, I just only had one gallon of distilled water sitting around today

Edit edit:
This is a triop

So when I was at Petsmart on Friday buying stuff for triops I got some aquarium ornaments with no price tag, figuring they'd be cheap. I forgot how overpriced that shit is at Petsmart ($11 for a little bag of river rock? over $20 for a small synthetic ornament?) and ended up overdrafting my account cause I wasn't paying attention

I returned all the frivolous stuff before I even left the parking lot, but my balance remains -$5 cause it hasn't gone through and I'm too embarrassed to ask my parents for food money cause I spent too much on aquarium ornaments. Since I had 0 food in my room and no cash it looks like I'm mooching off my friends until I get my paycheck on Tuesday. Luckily I got free pizza at work and today my friend bought pizza for everyone and a Monster for me I'm grateful to have friends that feed me.

This has been your story of the week.

I got an aquarium, some sand, a thermometer, and a PH tester
Now all I need is the eggs

The triops is the big one in the pic the other ones are fairy shrimp, clam shrimp, and water fleas
There will be eggs for those mixed in but the triops will likely eat them all since the tank is only set up for them and triops are fierce predators

On second though, I think I'll just buy the triop eggs separate from the others and raise the fairy shrimp big enough so that the triops can't be bothered to eat them unless they're starved (which they won't be obv.)

why