For my entire life I've had difficulty communicating with and maintaining relationships with other people. I spend most of my childhood with literally no friends, other than my brother. As close as I was to him I couldn't let even him know about my fears and insecurities. I used to think that I had a hard life. Then when I was in my early teens I started to see other families and other lives and saw the truth. My life was good. Not only good but pathetically easy. The reason for my unhappiness was my own incompetence. My life is perfect, but have I ever been worthy of a good life? I used to be the most pathetic, cowardly, selfish, and insecure boy that I've ever known. Maybe I still am, but read on.

I've had this recurring fantasy since childhood. In it I imagine myself a few years in the future, but I am not myself. I'm a confident, successful man. Right now, I'm not a man. I've been trying to be a man for years. I have been improving, but I always thought that by adulthood I'd be the person that I'd envisioned since childhood. This is not the case. I've only learned how to disguise my fear of social contact. Don't get me wrong, there's some times when I feel confident and socially competent. Even during those times it's not complete though. Lately though, I've been... reverting. I once again find myself sweating and shaking at the mere sight of people, opting to stay in my room just because I hear laughter on the other side of the door, staying inside on the computer all day and night without eating a single meal, stuttering and averting my eyes when I greet friends. How did I become a grown man that has difficulty talking to a woman without stuttering? Why do I cringe every time I hear laughter in public? Why aren't I normal?

Perhaps I've been thinking about it the wrong way. I feel some sort of obligation to be masculine and play the assertive role. Maybe I'm not suited for it. I can't be assertive without becoming emotional and aggressive. What can I do though? I was born a man. I have to live up to it. Not by being a manly-man, by being masculine in a superficial way. I enjoy being subtly feminine anyways. It's what I want. I can do it by becoming confident, brave, secure, outgoing, and positive.

I've been trying for years and I'm here. I've thought about committing suicide before, but when it came down to it I always stopped, out of hope that I would improve in the future. I have to ensure that won't be an empty hope. I've also thought about going to a psychologist, but I always make excuses... I don't have the money. Besides, am I crazy? I don't think I'm insane, but maybe a psychologist could help guide me through these problems. I don't know. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore.

You know what, scratch that. I don't need someone else to tell me what I want. I want a psychologist. Not for a magic pill that will make everything better, but for help and motivation that doesn't stem from the shame I feel about what I am.

Or maybe I haven't been improving because I'm not committed.

Maybe it's because I just haven't been trying hard enough lately.

What else can I do, but keep trying? I feel emptier than I've ever felt.