I don't know if it's more upsetting that I forgot or that I'm locked out of my PayPal account.
The name is from someone I knew from preschool to second grade so it was a long time ago. Still bothers me extremely that I can't remember it.

I made one post with my alt today. It wasn't a good post. I continue to read the BBS. I lied about my last few newsposts being the last ones ever.

Thankfully, my work ethic has improved a bit though. That's the one positive I've had lately. I learn to do homework.
But I have to go study for my math test now. Work load is still heavy as fuck. Everything else is still p lame

Wish me luck. Or not. How is everyone else?

I'm about ready to delete my last.fm

It has the same fucking problem as Pandora, the more songs I added the more random the suggestions got. Now I've got fucking screamo and other crap recommended to me.

It's not that bad, but it's fucking annoying to get the fifth shitty song in the row when you're out of skips. Not to mention that there isn't an way to edit your library, short of deleting individual songs on at a time. Also get this, ever since I added it to my phone and it "scrobbled" songs that weren't tagged, last.fm will recommend me ANY SONG that's also by "unknown artist". I just got fucking polka and tribal music or some shit.

I think I'd rather just find music on my own, fuck last.fm.

Yes, the only swears I know are shit, crap, and fuck.

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I just sent this PM to two mods:
"I haven't even started on a paper that was due a day ago because I spent all my spare time on the BBS this week what the hell is wrong with me.

Please give me a 4 month ban, and don't remove it even if I bitch and complain before time is up. If you can't ban for 4 months then 1 month is okay."

Gonna stay banned till the end of school. Thought I could handle things but I can't.

Bye fuckers.

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Honestly, I just don't know why I'm on Newgrounds anymore. The only thing I do is go to General.
It probably contributes to my wasting time in real life, but honestly I think I'd just find more social ways to procrastinate. Would that be a good or a bad thing?

What do with my life?

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Update: I am very bored and I don't want to write this paper. I replaced the picture of me with a picture of a dead manatee, enjoy.

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Update: here's my WTF face to confirm that I am in fact a nerdy azn guy
I look like I'm like 14 :(( Unlike everything else my age was not a lie tho

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Or at least the last newspost I'll be making for a few months.
Not that I'm going anywhere.

C:\Users\bgraybr\Pictures\notporn\5884469626_7da 64d85bb_b.jpg

This post is part of my new series.

I go to a random website and search for something. I then post the first result.

Part I will cover Youtube.

I call the first piece Youtube:Siam

The second piece is Youtube:Firelance

The final piece in part one is Youtube:Titties

Part II will cover Google.

Google:Shield
Google:Mock
Google:Naronic

Mittens has done been gone'd

But why the fuck has he refused to concede a;ghiqa'oira;dlfghi

cause he old

He's back!

Just got it. On sale for $4.99 on Steam.

For my entire life I've had difficulty communicating with and maintaining relationships with other people. I spend most of my childhood with literally no friends, other than my brother. As close as I was to him I couldn't let even him know about my fears and insecurities. I used to think that I had a hard life. Then when I was in my early teens I started to see other families and other lives and saw the truth. My life was good. Not only good but pathetically easy. The reason for my unhappiness was my own incompetence. My life is perfect, but have I ever been worthy of a good life? I used to be the most pathetic, cowardly, selfish, and insecure boy that I've ever known. Maybe I still am, but read on.

I've had this recurring fantasy since childhood. In it I imagine myself a few years in the future, but I am not myself. I'm a confident, successful man. Right now, I'm not a man. I've been trying to be a man for years. I have been improving, but I always thought that by adulthood I'd be the person that I'd envisioned since childhood. This is not the case. I've only learned how to disguise my fear of social contact. Don't get me wrong, there's some times when I feel confident and socially competent. Even during those times it's not complete though. Lately though, I've been... reverting. I once again find myself sweating and shaking at the mere sight of people, opting to stay in my room just because I hear laughter on the other side of the door, staying inside on the computer all day and night without eating a single meal, stuttering and averting my eyes when I greet friends. How did I become a grown man that has difficulty talking to a woman without stuttering? Why do I cringe every time I hear laughter in public? Why aren't I normal?

Perhaps I've been thinking about it the wrong way. I feel some sort of obligation to be masculine and play the assertive role. Maybe I'm not suited for it. I can't be assertive without becoming emotional and aggressive. What can I do though? I was born a man. I have to live up to it. Not by being a manly-man, by being masculine in a superficial way. I enjoy being subtly feminine anyways. It's what I want. I can do it by becoming confident, brave, secure, outgoing, and positive.

I've been trying for years and I'm here. I've thought about committing suicide before, but when it came down to it I always stopped, out of hope that I would improve in the future. I have to ensure that won't be an empty hope. I've also thought about going to a psychologist, but I always make excuses... I don't have the money. Besides, am I crazy? I don't think I'm insane, but maybe a psychologist could help guide me through these problems. I don't know. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore.

You know what, scratch that. I don't need someone else to tell me what I want. I want a psychologist. Not for a magic pill that will make everything better, but for help and motivation that doesn't stem from the shame I feel about what I am.

Or maybe I haven't been improving because I'm not committed.

Maybe it's because I just haven't been trying hard enough lately.

What else can I do, but keep trying? I feel emptier than I've ever felt.

Black people are clearly the master race. They're stronger than white people and make p cool music plus we have a black president so they must be smart too.

Plus, black comedies are the funniest oh my fucking gawd black people are so much more funnier than everyone else. Last but not least if there were no black people then the phrase "white boy" wouldn't be so damn funny.